


Everything Comes into Focus

by zipzipnada



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, Iris and Eddie stay bros because why wouldn't they?, M/M, Mental Health Issues, haptophobia, he even says 'you're only touching me because I'm letting you', he's very 'yeah no don't', inspired by Barry's attitude to touch in the comics, it gets explained, lack of Harrison Wells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 06:46:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2722676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zipzipnada/pseuds/zipzipnada
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry isn't sure when it started. There was no set beginning he can pinpoint. All he knows is touch terrifies him. It feels vile even for Iris to give him a hug, or for Caitlin to treat his injuries.<br/>He hates it.<br/>(Edit: some amendments made and typos fixed)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything Comes into Focus

  
He's not sure when the instinct to hug, to nudge and to pat dissolves. There's no marker, no start to finish period. All he knows is that without him noticing, he started to find the contact he once craved unwelcome.

He doesn't notice because it's all so subtle. Small acts that he dismisses without a second thought.  
  
Sometimes when Caitlin's hands touch his skin around the bandages, his skin rises in goosebumps. She asks if he's cold and he knows he's not. He feels hot. But it's not the flush of nerves he's familiar with- the feeling of Iris' fingers tracing his cheek fondly- it's something foul. It's revulsion. Just the hint of touch makes his shoulders flex as if his body wants to squirm away.  
  
He blames it on the pain of his stab wound. And then when it keeps happening, he thinks maybe he's subconsciously started to associate Caitlin's touch with the pain of an injury and feels guilty.

But it's not just Caitlin. It started out as Caitlin because she's his personal physician. She touches him the most. It's everyone.  
  
Moments when Joe's hand between his shoulder blades makes him want to coil away and he fights to keep his expression smooth and undisturbed. Moments when Cisco grabs his shoulders to guide him, telling him he has something awesome to show Barry, and it takes all of Barry's willpower not to shrug out of the hold.  
Everything comes crashing in on him when his boss stops him in the hall by the stairs. Barry has one foot on the first step and then suddenly there's a hand on his shoulder and his vision busts into white sparks of panic.  
  
When everything blinkers back into reality Captain Singh is on the floor gripping the rails of the steps with a look of shock on his face, and Barry can feel his back is pressed tightly to the wall as if the pressure could push him inside the plaster and make him disappear.  
  
His hands are shaking and his chest is heaving.  
  
A pair of hands reach for him- Joe, he realises- and he flinches away, tumbling down the step he sat on and scuffling away from his surrogate father's reaching hands.  
Joe's saying his name, confused and upset, and then there's Eddie who kindly eases Joe away and then crouches in front of Barry. 

Barry can't help but move away even though Eddie makes no attempt to touch him.  
  
"Calm down, buddy" Eddie's voice carries and Barry does.  
  
Everyone in the station are watching the scene. Watching him. And Barry feels like he's going to be sick.

* * *

  
A few hours later, after Eddie wordlessly took him home and Joe was called away by work. Barry feels relief when his hands settle on the fabric of his bed covers. Eddie's stood at the doorway, and Barry can acutely feel his presence.  
  
"I have a friend" Eddie started, his voice low and calm. Barry looks over his shoulder at the older man, and in that one look Eddie seems to decide that this is a story for another day and simply smiles instead.  
  
It's crazy. It's insane. And when Eddie turns to leave Barry's voice snaps out for him not to. Stay. Please. And Eddie does.  
  
They float around each other, barely speaking and never touching. And it calms Barry down. Eases the tightness under his skin he hadn't really noticed had been there, but had been restricting him for who knew how long.  
  
Eddie asks where the movies are, and Barry shows him, and they pick out a few- laughing a little as Eddie gently mocks Barry's collection- before settling on Star Wars. Default classic, Eddie says with a fond grin. Barry wants to watch them in chronological order, even though they both agree the newer movies are crap.  
  
Around five in the afternoon, an entire seven hours since the incident at the station, the door knocks and Eddie answers it. Barry, eyes fixed on the sight of Luke standing on his head in a swamp, hears low rumbles of Eddie's tones and the familiar smoother ones of Iris. He hears a kiss and then there's foot steps.  
  
He rises from the couch to face her, and gives her his best smile. Pretending like he's not still shaken to his core from the late morning incident.  
Iris tries to hug him and he almost falls over the coffee table, as his feet carry him backwards. Body shying away.  
  
He's not sure what's worse, the blinding terror of being touched or the hurt flashing in Iris' beautiful eyes.  
  
Eddie's hand caresses Iris' shoulder, and she looks to him desperately like he has all the answers. Barry stares at him too, hoping he would.  
  
Instead Eddie shakes his head and three awkward minutes later and they're all sat down watching the movie. Iris and Eddie dominating the far end of the double, and a huge expanse of space and then Barry curled up on the one seater with a blanket and tears stinging his eyes.

* * *

  
He tries to accept touch. Tries to force himself to accept handshakes and place his hands on other people's shoulders.  
  
But he can't. His hand recoils like the people are flames and the heat is too intense.  
  
It drags out for days. Getting worse and worse.  
  
Caitlin starts wearing two sets of gloves, hoping it might make Barry feel more comfortable and Barry appreciates the effort even though it doesn't work. She out of them all seems to understand the best, and it's highlighted when she catches Cisco's innocent hand about to tap Barry for his attention.  
  
"Sorry... I... forgot" Cisco murmurs, fisting his hand and internally berating himself. Caitlin rubs a thumb over his knuckles and then the moment is gone. Cisco is back to grinning and he instead calls out. "Hey Barry, check this out"  
  
Unaware of what had happened just behind his back, Barry turns with his signature bright, blinding smile and comes to see.

* * *

  
In STAR labs and in the field, with his suit on and mask up, Barry feels almost at ease.  
In the labs he can move from any stray hand or brush of skin, and more often than not none of them notice. He can take the risk there. The risk of moving faster than sound, back one millimetre or even to the other side of the room in more extreme cases.  
  
But he can't at work. Surrounded by people who don't know the friendly yet newly touch-phobic forensic assistant is actually the Flash.  
  
Barry wasn't there for it, but he catches wind that Captain David Singh brought everyone to attention and told them all out right that they weren't to lay a single hand on Mr. Allen. They weren't even allowed to consider it.  
  
It makes him smile, but it also makes him feel like a burden people now had to work around.

* * *

  
One of the officers forgets, or never intended to abide, strides in one day and with a strange sort of purpose plants his hand straight on Barry's shoulder.  
  
And laughs when Barry falls out of his chair in a knee-jerk reaction. Curving his body away and pressing against the wall.  
  
Seeing the mirth in the man's face, and the condescending slap of the evidence bag against Barry's desk that makes him involuntarily flinch, makes Barry wish he could rise up and punch him.  
  
But he can't. His cheeks burn in humiliation and all he can do his nod when the officer tells him the Captain wants the evidence processed by morning.  
And then the panic comes.  
  
A wave of cold splinters down from the tip of his scalp, prickling down under his hair line and rushing down his chest- colliding with another wave from his belly at his diaphragm- and his fingers grip the walls hard enough for blood to draw from the grazes.  
  
He's falling. But he can feel the ground under him and the hard support of the wall. He can hear the rain on the window but there's a thundering sound in his ears. There's a breeze from outside his lab coming in from the corridor, but no air reaches his lungs.  
  
An agonised cry rips from his throat. Tearing its way out violently and fierce. His eyes burn with furious tears and he can't help think how weak he is.  
  
He was the Flash. He was a goddamn superhero.  
  
But he cried like a baby when someone laid a hand on him.  
  
And that was how Eddie found him.

* * *

  
Two months after his phobia first came to light, the doctor signs him off work.  
  
It's suppose to relieve him until he has time to recover. There's no shame in it, Joe assures him, but that's all Barry can feel as he lay staring at his ceiling with his covers around him.  
  
His breakdown, his screaming, and caught the attention of pretty much the entire station apparently. And Joe told him he'd never seen Eddie run so fast. Took the steps four at a time, a feat of physical ability Joe no longer possessed himself, and he arrived two heart beats later than the blond officer.  
Joe didn't tell him that Eddie had held him back to stop the paternal instinct from embracing Barry. He didn't tell Barry that Eddie had hissed in his ear, warning him that if he tries to hug Barry it would make things worse.  
  
He doesn't say that he'd never felt so useless. So hopeless in his life watching his son, his boy, scream and writhe away from the prospect of being held.  
  
Hugs had always healed Barry, made him feel whole again. But that wasn't the case any more and Joe was lost.  
  
Joe does tell him that Eddie bundled up his jacket and gave it to Barry to squeeze and pull at until the younger exhausted himself. He tells him that Eddie must have some kind of experience with this sort of thing, and with a grin tells Barry he owes Eddie a new jacket.  
  
Around three in the afternoon, Barry surfaces from his room, sick of sitting in bed, and stops short when he sees Eddie sat on the couch with take out Chinese. The other man's attention is fixed on the TV, Lord of the Rings this time, and for a moment Barry takes the scene in.  
  
Eddie's feet are bare. And he is wearing slacks. Gray bottoms and a pale blue vest shirt. He also as an oversized rusty brown cardigan on that Barry recognises as one of his own. The entire sight tells Barry that Eddie had been there for a while, perhaps all day while Barry had moped in bed. On second thought, he'd definitely been there all day.  
Barry coughs and Eddie's head turns. His smile is so relaxed, it's as though there's nothing strange about him sitting in Barry's apartment eating take out and marathon watching the Tolkien series.  
  
"Hey" Eddie greets, and nods to a box of Chinese on the table parallel to the single seater. It's a considerable distance away from Eddie, something that would look odd between friends, but the distance is calming and Barry wordlessly pads over and settles down.  
  
The Chinese is still warm, implying it was bought recently, but Barry can't remember hearing the door.  
  
He studies Eddie instead of watching the movie.  
  
Not once does Eddie expect Barry to do anything other than eat food and relax. When he catches Barry staring he just grins breezily and turns back to the screen.

* * *

  
Turns out Iris had been over and had been sat at the foot of Barry's bed for most of the night while Barry slept. It both comforts Barry, and distresses him. Warring feelings that he chokes down with some water.  
  
"Why're you here?" Barry asks after the third day of Eddie practically living on his couch.  
  
Eddie glances up from his cereal bowl and then back down with a sigh. "I'm on annual leave"  
  
Barry's brow furrows in alarm. "But... that's your vacation time, Eddie. You shouldn't be-"  
  
He stops when Eddie holds up a hand. "I want to be here, Allen. Someone needs to be with you right now"  
  
"Joe and Iris-"  
  
"Love you, but they're struggling" Eddie says regretfully. "They asked me to stay. This, what's happened to you, isn't easy for anyone to get. They want to help, they want to be there for you but... Iris told me you've always been affectionate"  
  
Barry doesn't realise he's crying until Eddie plucks a tissue from a dispenser Barry didn't have until two days ago.  
  
"Yeah" Is all he can say in response, as he lazily scrunches the tissue and presses it to his eyes.  
  
Silence. And then. "So was my sister. Before"  
  
Dark eyes flicker up in surprise at this new information. This new tiny snippet of who Eddie is behind the officer. He wants to ask 'before what?' but the words catch like shrapnel in his throat, but it must how on his face because Eddie answers.  
  
"Before her attack. She was so touchy, you know" Eddie breathed. "Always giving out hugs, stroking people's arms, kissing people's cheeks.  
Then she went to college and for some sorority trick, a group of girls stripped her down and told her to run through one of the fresher's parties" Eddie licks his tongue, and Barry can taste the second hand anger. "She did it. And everything was fine. She told me about it, grinning the entire time. She said she had the time of her life doing it and had no regrets."  
  
Barry feels like Eddie and his sister were close, and he wonders if this sister was older or younger. She sounds younger, but Barry doesn't know how long ago this was.  
  
"She told me not to tell mom and dad" Eddie laughs. "I didn't. Swore I'd keep my mouth shut. The next thing I know she stops hugging me in the mornings, she stops giving me a kiss and ruffling my hair" Older, Barry thinks. "And about a week after she has this... huge... screaming fit and I tried to hold her but she just screamed louder"  
Eddie's hands are shaking and Barry wishes he could reach out to steady them. But bile rises in his throat at the very notion so he doesn't.  
  
"She dropped out of college, went to some doctors and they told her she had something called haptophobia. An intense fear of being touched"  
  
It resonates, and Barry understands why Eddie seems so... calm about Barry. Why he doesn't expect anything.  
He's been though it all before, only with his sister.  
  
"She told me she wanted a hug, but at the same time it made her want to puke" He shrugs. "We learned to work around it. Our parents had no idea what to do, they didn't even try- not like Joe and Iris, who really are Barry I promise you, they are trying- they wanted to have her put somewhere but I said no. She came to live with me instead"  
Something rolls across the table to him, and Barry picks up the padded ball.  
  
"Stress ball, squeeze it when you're panicking. Throw it at assholes who try to disrespect your boundaries any other time" Eddie smirks, and it sounds like he's quoting someone.

* * *

  
Joe's face when Barry chucks the ball at him is hilarious, and Barry finds himself wheezing with laughter. He feels light and happy and at ease.  
  
Laughter fills the room- Iris, Joe, Caitlin, Cisco, Eddie- when Joe tosses it back playfully and it hits Barry on the forehead.  
  
The day passes wonderfully. No one tries to touch him, and Iris takes to holding up her hand and fisting it twice as though grabbing the air, and act Barry returns- she calls it a Barry Hug, and it quickly catches on.  
  
At some point Eddie moves in. The living room becomes his room, with a top up bed and a chest of drawers Barry didn't really use in the first place in the corner.  
Barry doesn't return to work, but eventually Eddie does and each day Eddie brings back dinner and another movie to watch.  
  
Barry jokes about how much money Eddie is wasting on him and all he gets back is a shy look that takes Barry off guard.

* * *

  
He tries to fight crime and save people.  
  
Things are different in the suit since he can move away from touch. He learns to maneuver himself with a grace that eventually becomes a dance form. He comes back to STAR labs with less injuries and more bad guys.  
  
In the suit he learns to touch, but only offensively. A punch. A deflect. He's not sure if it's healthy but Doctor Wells seems pleased so Barry doesn't question it.  
Everything is going so well, he doesn't notice the worried looks Caitlin and Cisco exchange.

Two weeks later he breaks down and says he can't any more. He just can't. Wells wheels away, storm cloud in his eyes, while Caitlin and Cisco stay behind and help him calm down.

* * *

  
He has a night terror. A panic attack that rises up while he's asleep and his lungs are barely empty from the first scream when Eddie is there on the end of the bed and speaking to him.  
  
Not once does he reach out even as Barry scratches at his covers.  
  
"Barry" Eddie whispers as Barry calms, and then immediately starts crying when he realises what has happened.  
  
Barry's tears are hot and his chest constricts as he chokes out Eddie's name.  
  
He reaches out and his hands are on Eddie's bare arms, nails digging in but Eddie doesn't react.  
  
He shows no sign of even noticing and Barry is too tired to really notice either.  
  
He falls asleep and wakes up to see bruises on Eddie's arms but a warm smile on the man's face as he presents Barry with breakfast.

* * *

  
Barry spends the day with Iris Christmas shopping, and it feels good.  
  
They joke, talk and walk with a familiar joy to their steps that Barry has missed.  
  
It's been six months now, he realises, since he woke from his coma and everything is so radically different. But not bad, that's the important part.  
  
He frowns a little when Iris buys a box of assorted nut chocolate for 'a special someone' she tells him mysteriously, because Eddie is allergic to nuts.  
It's something that filters away, disappearing under the memories formed of Iris' happy face light by the mall's Christmas décor.  
  
"I missed Thanksgiving, didn't I?" Barry asks her when they head back to the car. Iris nods, but sends him a Barry Hug telling him it doesn't matter, they can have an extra big one next year.  
  
On the way back Iris tells him how inactive the Flash has been lately, and that there's barely been a sighting in weeks.

* * *

  
Eddie's bruises fade, he gains new ones, and they too fade. It's about a week after the shopping trip with Iris that he discovers they have broken up. Eddie and Iris are not a thing any more, and Barry finds himself unexpectedly devastated.  
  
The nut chocolates are for her new friend-who-might-be-something-more. Barry looks confused when Iris finally tells him, one day while Eddie is at work and Barry needs company.  
  
"But I like Eddie" Barry pouts. Iris laughs and her hand twitches to pinch his cheek, but she doesn't.  
  
"Precisely" She says vaguely, and then she changes the topic and Barry goes with it because it's Iris.

* * *

  
Christmas, he decides, is the best day of his life.  
  
Barry is a little put out that Wells said he couldn't make it to the party at Joe's, but he gives a gift to Caitlin to give to Wells, and she gives him a gift from Wells. The only problem is the label is written in Caitlin's handwriting.  
  
Iris gifts Eddie a new watch, and there is a friendliness between them that has Barry blinking in surprise. Eddie's gift to her is a hand carved photoframe with drawings of Joe and Barry in the arches. Eddie laughingly tells her he didn't make the frame, and Iris replies that his drawings are as good as ever though.  
  
Barry files that knowledge away, and can't help the blush that forms on his cheeks now he knows Eddie spent time drawing a photo-realistic portrait of him.  
Caitlin gives Cisco a new watch and Cisco laughs loudly, head thrown back, because it's an inside joke Barry suddenly feels cold all over for not knowing. He's not been in the lab for a long time. He doesn't know these little jokes any more.  
  
Someone traces a line down his spine, and by the way his body doesn't react he knows it's Eddie's finger. It all crashes into Barry at once that everyone else is on one side of the room, while Barry and Eddie are on the other- sat on the same couch with only a cushion width between them.  
Cisco gives everyone insanely advanced phones he designed himself. Each one has their initials engraved on the covers, and Barry notices on his there is an app on his phone in the shape of a thunder bolt. He makes a note to test out what it does later.  
  
Cisco then spends the next hour explaining how they work, because not even Barry can figure the phones out they're that advanced and Cisco'd.  
  
Apparently there are no more phone bills for anyone in the room. Score.  
  
Joe apologetically admits he hasn't got anything for Caitlin and Cisco, but they smile and tell him they don't mind- a few days later they each find a bottle of their favourite alcohol on their desk with label's saying 'Thank you for everything you've done for Barry - Joe' on them. He gives Iris a kiss and a large box, which when opened reveals an antique typewriter that has her squealing in delight.  
  
Eddie gets a tie covered in Marvel comics as the pattern, and Barry is jealous. Without thinking he grabs it off Eddie, their fingers meeting, and as a joke fastens it around Eddie's head like a bandanna.  
  
It's an Elephant in the room, one that everyone but Barry is aware of.  
  
From Joe, Barry gets just an envelope, which he doesn't open because the note on the top says not to.  
  
Caitlin's gift to Barry is a photo album, filled half way with pictures of everyone, and the back is left blank for any more pictures Barry wants to add. From Iris he gets a camera, which confirms his suspicions that she and Caitlin are in league.  
  
From Eddie he gets a chain and dog tags reading 'Iris' and 'Joe' on them. On the other side of 'Iris' there is a rose, and on the other side of 'Joe' there is a star. He puts it on straight away.  
  
When everyone has gone home and Eddie is clearing up wrapping paper, Barry opens the envelope.  
There's another dog tag in it.  
  
This one reads 'Eddie' and has a thunder bolt with a Celtic circle around it.  
  
Alone in his room, Barry slides it onto his chain.

* * *

  
The first time Barry kisses Eddie, it's during a night terror and his teeth clamp down onto Eddie's lip painfully.  
  
Eddie pins him down as gentle as he can and only moves when Barry is completely asleep once more.  
  
In the morning his lip is swollen but his smile is just as kind.  
  
Barry finds his feet moving, padding over the carpet, until he is chest to chest with Eddie and with a care he lacked the night before, captures Eddie's sore bottom lip between his own lips.  
  
Eddie moans into the kiss and Barry finds himself preening in delight instead of coiling back in disgust when two arms wrap around his middle and press him closer to Eddie.

* * *

  
_1 Year Later_

* * *

  
  
"The Flash is back" Iris tells him, grinning brightly as they pack up for the night. "Can you believe it?"  
  
Barry can indeed.  
  
Because he is back. He never went back to the station, and instead works part time at Jitters now alongside Iris, but he's back as the Flash.

He still hates touch, but it's more of an irritation than the intense fear it used to be. He has a preference for distance, and everyone who knows him well enough know it instinctively now. There's no hiccups, nor attacks. It's nice.

 Iris is thrilled and so is Barry as they finish up and clamber into the same car ready to drive to Caitlin's, where Thanksgiving is being hosted no doubt by a frazzled Cisco who to everyone's surprise is an incredible cook.  
  
On Iris' finger as she grips the steering wheel is a white gold ring, diamond small yet stunning just like the woman who wears it, given to her for her birthday by the friend-who-turned-out-to-be-something-more, and around Barry's left ring finger is a darker silver band sculpted into a weave around his flesh. A wedding ring which he twists nervously.  
  
"I'm hoping Eddie's remembered the cupcakes" Barry mumbles, and Iris laughs.  
  
"Uh, yeah, maybe you should have brought them to work Barry"  
  
Because they both know Eddie is worryingly forgetful for a cop.

**Author's Note:**

> In case you're wondering, I figure since Wells is so obsessed with Barry being the Flash, he wouldn't like Barry taking an entire year and a half out not being the Flash. Sorry if you disagree.
> 
> This was also written by a former haptophobia sufferer :D So this is based on my experience with it, but not everyone has the same experiences. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
